'There are those moments when I am falling, never going to hit the bottom, and the world is too sharp and too clear and everything makes sense, in beautiful, painful detail. Just for that second.I think we live for moments like these and don't know how dead we were till they come along.'
I must confess that sometimes the shade of my sixteen year old self seems to spout of more sense than my soon to be twenty year persona could ever manage. Also, Archivedbook.com is an amazing site to visit if you are in masochistic mood and fancy the thought of a third party casually strolling through the last five years or so of your Facebook history. I have come up with some absolute shite and some absolute gems from my status updates. From the dawn of SMS CAPSLOCK 4EVA language to the quote mentioned above.
My second First year is drawing to a close and exams are looming in the distance and all I can think of is why I can never get my hands on a Blue Edition Red Bull can. Priorities, I am so getting you right.
My head has been buzzing far too much lately. But today, I got up half three and ambled over to Emma's room. Went down to tea, learned to play Hot Cross Buns of the piano and then ambled yet again to Emma's room. I amble around a lot.
And now my head is quiet, real quiet.
There is a tree I can see from Emma's window. It all bare and scrawny and slightly sad looking at the moment. I like it, it reminds me of another sad,scrawny tree I knew once upon a time.
I am falling today. I am in free fall and the its never going to end and everything is white and bright and clear and suddenly I know why I came across half the world for a degree I am still not sure I should be doing. Its because Rosie taught me how to play Hot Cross Buns in the piano and Nurdan playing the Cloud Atlas Sextet makes me cry and because Emma's hair catch the sunlight and I have always wanted to catch the sunlight. It might be because Nusrat laughs so much and dances when she is in the mood for it and I have to go on tippy toes to hug Lachie and Hannah never reacts to my comments no matter how outrageous I make them.
All I want to know is whether we make ourselves in the images of people we see or is it that people hold up mirrors around us all the time and we make ourselves into what these mirrors reflect?
I am still falling.
I don't know how to love people long term. Every time I try the whole I shall love you forever, it doesn't work. People are forever getting in the way of Forever. And there are people back in India I'd love forever, but it never works out because they don't do forever and even if they did, they are no longer the people I promised Forever too. Is an oath still an oath if the person you made it to is now no longer the person you made it to? So there are some new people I'd like to promise Forever to but I don't think I can and that is very sad. If we never met after 3 years and went our separate ways it wouldn't diminish what we are in the here and now,would it? No, the present must never be compared to the future, that would be just too cruel for words. But that is a little sad that there is no one who stays Forever. But it makes me happy too, because Forever has too many obligations in it and I am no longer young enough to believe I can fulfill them all.
This all is such a ramble in the woods of pretty words that mean nothing. I think its because words hardly mean anything most of the time.
I am still falling.
But when I stop falling, there are people who are watching Australia in a room where time means nothing. For the time being.
It's good to be falling.
